Persee et la Gorgon, Laurent Marquestree, 1890
This opinion piece by Euryale in the Onion about having a difficult time finding men made me wonder which of the three Gorgons (Stheno, Euryale, and Medusa) would be the best girlfriend. Then it occurred to me that three Gorgons are the perfect number to play marry, boff, kill with. Now as an initial matter, you might be thinking you should kill all three. ”Winged with snakes for hair — hated of mortal man–” (Aeschylus) doesn’t sound like a particularly good group to pick from. But what about Pindar, he at least acknowledged that Medusa was “fair-cheeked.” That’s something. But aside from that, even if you might want to kill or avoid all three, those aren’t the rules of the game. You have to suck it up and boff or marry two of them. Here’s my decision:
Kill Medusa
She’s the only one that’s mortal, so I think you’re kind of stuck on this one. Do it Perseus style so you don’t get turned to stone.
Boff Euryale
She cries out loudly when Medusa dies. So maybe she’s a screamer in bed. Could be fun if you could somehow navigate the not being able to look at her issue. But if she’s loud all the time that might get old if you had to marry her. Then you’d have her nagging you and you couldn’t even look at her.
Marry Stheno
Purely a marriage of convenience. Stheno is the most ferocious of the Gorgons and killed more men than the others combined. So that’s who you want in your corner in my opinion. If you can’t look at your wife, at least make sure she’s got your back.
